Wonderful thing called Life...

VALERIE!!!!

2009-02-20T21:58:00.002-05:00

If you see this, please respond so I can FIND YOU!!! Unfortunately, I am not gifted enough to see who's following my blog, so I haven't been able to find you that way.

Here we go...again

2009-01-05T10:33:00.004-05:00

The hubby and I have been hard at work this cycle and I'm crossing my phalanges. However, I've decided not to be too disappointed if I get yet another BFN. Geez, you'd think I would be accustomed to them by now, huh? If we are pregnant this month, I believe it would be an October baby. I would then have birthdays as follows, July, October, November, and December...ha! Am I asking for it or what?! I was hoping for a spring baby, but yeah, that's not going to happen. I have met some wonderful people on "The Misdiagnosed Miscarriage" website. These are some of the most helpful, sincere, and sweetest women and I feel so at home with them. We all have that one maternal goal in common, to become pregnant with a healthy pregnancy and a resulting beautiful baby. I was so amazed to see how many women not only miscarry, but how difficult it has been to become pregnant. Seems so easy, right? You're a woman, you get pregnant, and you have a baby. Sike! Not for all of us. Some of us have to struggle and do some pretty radiculous things to become pregnant. It's all so crazy that you would think we were "men" trying to get pregnant! I am being quite positive this month - I don't know why, but I am. I guess it's because I finally realized that it's either going to happen or it's not and nothing I do is really going to change that, as it's truly up to the Man above. All I can do is hope that he hears my prayers and gives me His blessing...

Wow, 2009 is almost here already.

2008-12-27T19:28:00.003-05:00

Well, here we are - tis almost the end of yet another year. I was so hoping I would have a positive pregnancy test to wrap and give to my husband on Christmas day, but it was not to be. I think I was more disappointed this time than any other... January was my due date of the baby I lost in June and that month is fast approaching. Although I have come to terms with my loss, it's hard not to think how unfair it is that I will not be holding my bundle of joy on that date. I will never know if it was a boy or a girl or if it looked like me or (as usual) like its daddy. How is it possible to miss a child you never even gave birth to?? Even if I were pregnant right now, I would never forget about the baby I lost.

HAPPY 12th BIRTHDAY, NICK!

2008-12-23T09:58:00.003-05:00

My little man is 12 today! Yayyyy. Wow - I know this sounds cliche, but damn my kids are growing too fast!

When Chris and I got up this morning, we wanted to sing Nick Happy Birthday in a speacial way, so we took 8 chocolate donuts, put 12 candles on them, and sang it to him. He was also informed that he has NO chores today...he was very happy about that ;)

Later when his father gets home, Nick gets to pick the restaraunt that he wants for dinner (please say Red Lobster!!! hehe) where we will have a small party with his buddy Dawson. He will then get a gift and a choice of going to Daytona or Fun Spot where we will continue his birthday festivities!

NEGATIVE, NEGATIVE, NEGATIVE!!!

2008-12-21T13:38:00.002-05:00

Unreal - still no baby after five months. I don't know how much longer I can take seeing these negative tests, they're just so, well -NEGATIVE! I can't shake the feeling that something must be wrong with me. My nephew was kind enough to say, "Aunt Charlotte, you're too old to be having a baby." ha! Although I was seriously offended by that statement, maybe he's right. Perhaps I should just count my blessings and move on. I am just very saddened today because I just got a BFN on CD 26, DPO 12. I figure if I were pregnant, there should have been at least a faint, faint, only-I-can-see-it line, but there's not...

HAPPY 6th BIRTHDAY, CHRISSY-POO

2008-11-17T10:26:00.004-05:00

Today is my baby's 6th birthday! Aww, man! This stupid thing won't let me post his B-Day party video! Very disappointed, Google! I'll try again later.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BOO - I HOPE YOU ENJOYED IT!

My Boys

2008-10-18T19:39:00.026-04:00

Pic #1: Matt, my oldest baby on the right, his Best Bud, Travis on the left, and the rest of the gang ;)

Pic #2: Nick (a.k.a. The Duke)

Pic #3: Chrissy's first day of kindergarten :( I miss you all day, Boo!

We're still working on a new baby and we are hoping to have the "Golden Ticket" this month! If not, there's always next month ;)

The boys are doing great in school. Chris (my youngest - see pic above) just started kindergarten (at his request - he changed his mind and decided he wanted to attend public school), Nick's home school cirriculum is going great, and my oldest, who is in his senior year of high school, is going to the college full time since he's completed all his high school credits.

These kids are so cool - I mean super cool! My oldest son has such great judgment of people and has a wonderful group of friends. This makes it so much easier on me when he goes out with them - even though I still tend to worry and call him a few times ;)

Nick has decided to try acting/modeling and I have taken a few pictures of him. He's so photogenic (see pic above). I have talent scouts asking me about him all the time, but so far there is no work in Florida, and unfortunately, Nick has an extreme fear of flying (which I hope he will overcome soon).

Chris is really doing good at sounding out words now and he can even read. He started kindergarten 7 weeks behind the other kids, but is totally caught up with them.

I'm so proud of all of them. I'm very lucky to have such great kids and a wonderful hubby.

My recent sorrow...

2008-07-20T03:56:00.027-04:00

As I've mentioned, my husband and I have three sons, Matthew 17, Nickolas 11, and Christopher 5. I love having boys, but my desire to have a girl had me wanting to try one more time.

At any rate, we began trying to conceive and amazingly fell pregnant on our first try! We were ecstatic! I called my doctor and told them of my results. I made an appointment and was to be seen for my first ultrasound. My baby was due around the first week in January - I was on cloud 9!

At my first ultrasound, I was thought to be about 7 weeks along, however, my doctor only saw a "halo" and said that it was very promising. He said that I was not as far along as we had thought and that the baby was measuring 5+ weeks. He then advised that I come back in two weeks for another scan. Before I made it to that appointment, I began getting very nauseated and could hardly eat or drink, so my doctor prescribed Phenergan. It helped so much and I could finally do simple things again (like drink water and eat). This seemed to correlate with what the doctor said, because I typically get very nauseated by the 6th or 7th week. No problem, I thought, I will know soon enough how far along I am. Although I was a little nervous after my first visit, nothing could have prepared me for what was to come.

At my next ultrasound, as soon as the "probe" was inserted, my doctor stated, "looks like we've had a lot of growth." I was so excited! After that, he grew silent for quite some time. This didn't bother me, though, because he told me at my first scan that I shouldn't be nervous just because he wasn't talking, because he likes to do the scan in silent and then discuss his findings. Nothing wrong with that, right? Unfortunately, for me there was something wrong. He let out a small sigh and sadly stated, "I'm sorry, Charlotte, but I don't believe this is a viable pregnancy." It was like a cold, hard slap in the face. I began screaming and crying for my husband! I totally lost control and was hysterical. The nurse ran out to get my husband from the lobby (he was watching a movie with my two younger sons). He quickly came to my side and tried to console me. The doctor then explained that there was no fetal heartbeat, nor movement found. The baby measured 7 weeks 4 days, which indicated to me that my baby had passed recently. "What could I have done to cause this???" This is of course my first thought.

It's funny how I decided to go in alone, as the last time (at 5 weeks along), I allowed the kids to come in just so they could "see" our little butter bean. However, all we saw was a "tiny" sac and "butterbean," which is what prompted my doctor to have me come back in two weeks. I was just not feeling well and asked my husband to keep the kids out there...thank goodness because I totally lost it and cried like I've never cried before.

The ride home (which was an hour) was so hard. I had to pretend for my children's sake that nothing was wrong. I certainly didn't want to talk about it with them in the state I was in. I was in mourning and cried silently the whole way home, just looking out the window with my shades on, holding a saturated tissue.

When I got home, all I wanted to do was throw on my PJs and go to bed, which I did, but I couldn't sleep. My heart ached so badly. Then, all the questions began popping in my head, "how could this happen to me, what went wrong, what could I have done? Was I not eating enough, was it the Phenergan I was given for the severe nausea, did I not drink enough water, etc." I laid in bed for probably a good two hours or more crying and thinking. I finally got up and jumped on the internet to try to find some answers, but all I could find was the same thing the doctor tried to tell me, "it's nothing you did, something was wrong with "it," more than likely chromosomal, it just wasn't meant to be, you can try again, yada-yada." No way, doc, babies don't just die! But I would later find that they do and that it happens to so many woman - too many!

I came across a website called "Missed Miscarriage Misdiagnosis." As I read all the amazing stories I became very excited again. I read stories of women who were told their pregnancies were not viable only to find out a couple weeks later that their babies were indeed okay with strong heartbeats! Could I be one of those women?? I became so excited that I called my doctor right away and requested a second opinion. I did not want to use the same equipment or doctor, as I was so hoping he was simply incompetent or the equipment was faulty. I was so excited with this newfound hope that I made an appointment for the following week at the hospital for a second opinion. During this week, I had myself convinced my little angel was fine. After all, I was still very nauseated, had tender breasts, and I simply "felt" pregnant! I totally ignored my doctors explanation that the placenta was the cause of my pregnancy symptoms; as far as I was concerned at that time, he was an idiot!

Unfortunately, the second opinion came to the same conclusion. My baby only measured 7 weeks 4 days, no heartbeat, no movement. I could deny it no longer. I should have been 8.4 weeks along at this time. I was once again crushed and the grieving started all over again. I cried so much during the following days, so much that my whole head would ache - my heart was completely broken.

A week later, what should have been 9.4 weeks along, Saturday morning around 1:00 a.m., it happened - my body finally realized that my tiny baby had passed. The cramping began lightly, but ended up feeling a lot like labor after an hour or so. I was in so much pain that I decided to try a hot shower. This helped a lot, but after a few minutes my baby and placenta with the sac intact and half filled with amniotic fluid, slipped out. I stared at it in my hands in shock. I couldn't believe it. I was actually holding my little baby. Words cannot describe how I felt at that moment. I wanted to yell to my husband to help me - I needed him so badly, yet I couldn't make a sound, I was just so...stunned! I finally pulled myself together and got out of the shower, baby in one hand, placenta in the other. I sat them down on the counter and attempted to get dressed. I have no idea how long I was in that shower with the hot water on full blast, but it was apparent my blood pressure was dropping rapidly. I fell to the floor and cried to my husband, "oh my God, help me!" He jumped out of bed at the same time my niece came through the door. He began getting dressed as my niece dressed me and tried to brush my hair. She also went into the bathroom and collected my baby and placenta and put them in a baggy for me. Before I knew it, we were at the entrance of the ER. I was beginning to feel better (physically) as my blood pressure slowly increased, but it was still too low and they slapped an EKG on me. My husband handed my baby over to the nurse who told me she would send it to pathology.

After receiving my care and leaving the hospital, I actually felt guilty for leaving my baby behind like that and wanted to go back and retrieve him/her. My husband talked me out of it, saying it's better to know what happened. I agreed and we headed home. I was numb and exhausted. Just a few weeks earlier I was so happy, pregnant, and was in total anticipation of bringing home a new baby in January. Then, in a matter of three hours, I was going home from the hospital with a broken heart, emptiness, and no baby to look forward to. Instead of making our usual left turn to go home, my husband went straight. He wanted to take me to the ocean and just sit with me alone for a while. We sat in our car and watched the sun rise together. It was so beautiful…it was again, another emotion I cannot put into words. I have seen the sun rise before, but for some reason this time was much different – as if God was placing his hands on me himself in an effort to make me feel better. "Thank you, God, I needed it."

Needless to say, it's been tough since then for me emotionally. At first, I was saying, "never again, I will never try again, I'm done." However, I am now coming to terms with our loss and have decided to try one last time. I'm scared, petrified really, but my love for children urges me on...

Since I wanted to have some type of memorial for my Angel Baby, I decided I would draw a picture of Jesus holding an infant and will some how work in my sonogram pictures into the drawing. I also wanted to give my baby a name, and after discussing this with my sister, she came up with the perfect name, Heaven-Leigh. My drawing is still a work in progress at this point and I will post it here when it is complete.

My husband and I plan to try again after my next cycle in August. I pray that I will get pregnant quickly and that all goes well the next time around…